Okay guys, this is the big one. I have had this on my mind a TON lately. I have been really upfront about my depression and anxiety, and have always tried to advocate for people in a similar situation.
So the last little bit I have been working independently and trying to build up my personal brand and live that entrepreneur life, and it has been awesome. But lately I have been feeling so unmotivated and feeling like I hit a block and not sure what to do next. And I haven’t been feeling like myself and questioning who I am.
But enough is enough!
So here is my declaration: I have depression, I have anxiety, and I have an eating disorder. My life is a continuum of these factors, ranging from remission to a daily struggle.
And right now I’m leaning a little more to the side of daily struggle.
But guess what? THAT DOESN’T DEFINE WHO I AM.
I know that depression, and anxiety, and anorexia are always going to be right there anytime I look over my shoulder. But I also know that there are so many other things up ahead of me.
I have been trying to figure out who I am and what my brand is and what I stand for. And, unfortunately, with the nature of the industry I got caught up in the moment and started to lose sight of that. I thought that I needed to be the pretty, popular, sought after, model-esque girl to land brand deals and “make it” in this industry.
But guess what? That isn’t who I am!
I am lucky if I drag myself out of bed before 8am. I actually don’t love the gym.
It is a RARE thing to see me in something other than a hoodie, and even more rare to see me with any makeup on.
I’m not the pretty or popular girl.
I’m the girl who wore too much black leather and didn’t ever get noticed unless it was to be made fun of.
I’m the girl who didn’t get asked out, or ever feel like she was pretty enough or good enough.
I’m the girl who tried for SO long to make myself feel beautiful or worth respect of others.
I’m the girl who didn’t eat enough and worked out too much.
I’m the girl who has pushed myself too far, too many times.
I’m the girl that will text my best friend in the middle of the night being a crisis, and needing his love and validation that I’m good enough (literally….just did this last night. It’s fine. He’s a champ.)
I’m the girl who will cry watching Nationwide and Subaru commercials.
I’m the girl who gets too attached to movie characters because I refuse to become emotionally invested in my own life.
I’m the girl who expects to get her heart broken, and doesn’t bat an eye when someone screws me over.
But when I think about who I REALLY am, and who I want to be:
I’m just your girl-next-door who deals with anxiety and is finding a way to chase my dreams.
I have no idea what the future holds for me. Some days I have no idea how I’m going to get out of bed and function. But what I do know is that I’m going to keep fighting to chase my dreams.
I’m the girl who is a fighter.
I’m the girl who loves autumn, warm rain, and wearing hoodies that are too big.
I’m the girl who would rather be on a rock wall than almost anywhere else in the world.
I’m the girl who is a bit of a hot mess express.
I’m the girl who represents mental health awareness.
So here is to everyone out there who is struggling with anxiety, or an overall feeling like they aren’t good enough. Listen to me when I say YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH.
This journey isn’t over-in fact, it has just begun.
I haven’t ever opened up about my tattoos, just because I’m not necessarily for or against them, but just like my mental illnesses, they have become a part of who I am.
This tattoo is one that I got years ago when I was in a weird place in my life, but represents that even when there are storms in life, that we can always choose to pause, keep going, and be made whole.
There is always the choice to keep going-so make that choice!
Thank you for all the support!
ps: thank you L.C. Photo for the stunning pictures!!! Click HERE to check out her work!